What I thought about today...

2006-08-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

When I sat down to chant the Small Paraklesis this afternoon I was embarrassed how distracted I had become by +Don's antics.

Only days before the Dormiton of The Theotokos, and on the Monday following the Transfiguration... Oy me... God help me.

2006-08-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

Well, as you know, I am a big thinker so there's been a lot on my mind lately:

Homos getting executed (legally) by radical Muslims in Iraq,
How best to remain humble when I am surrounded by idiots,
Car repairs,
Home repairs,
Grocery list,
Oh, and The Rapture, which you may have heard is imminent. If Jesus isn't here by Friday, though, I'm doing laundry.

But, interspersed in all those high and mighty thoughts, I am thinking about how very many things are wrong with +Don's little meeting in Navasota.

I mean, here's a guy who says he is formed by his vow to uphold the faith, unity and discipline of the church... blah, blah, blah... And yet he is inviting schism by hosting a meeting of only those who agree with his very narrow views. Some unity, huh?

What +Don should have said is that he takes seriously his vow to uphold unity among those with whom he agrees, unity with those he likes, unity with Canterbury. But, in no case, does he mean to imply that he seeks unity with a bunch of nasty queers.

Yet again I can only give thanks to God that I got kicked out of this diocese. I am an Episcopalian, after all. I don't belong here.

Been thinking about that today.

2006-07-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to see my friends tomorrow.
Been thinking about how cool it is to be liked.

2006-07-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am up very late tonight thinking about where/whether to go to church in the morning. Not too unusual, really. How to snag the sacrament is a weekly dilemma.

I can trespass into an Episcopal Church. Don't like that.
I can always go to the RCs. They don't like that.
Let's face it, Lutherans are tacky and don't even do it correctly.
Methodists don't even pretend they are doing anything except a reenactment.

...It's a problem. Obtaining the sacrament.

Here's the thing, though... I do not encounter Jesus in the Eucharist. It's dead for me. I mean, if we're just being honest. It's dead. A clever manipulation of the masses.

About all I encounter in the mass anymore is arrogant priests, pleased with themselves for God knows why.

I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going. The rest of you go on... Believe whatever you want. I used to believe too.

I don't believe anymore.

2006-07-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

...how blest are we when we are so found in God we have nothing to defend...

This was on Maggie Ross's blog a few days ago.
Been thinking about that.

2006-07-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about pharaoh hardening his heart and I wondered if I have done the same thing? Pharaoh drowned in the Red Sea you know.

2006-07-03T21:18:00.001-07:00

Today is the day we remember the life of the Apostle Thomas.

Been thinking about that.

You can see pictures of Thomas here. Actual photo, I think.

And you can read some of the things he said here.

The church has taught us that Thomas was a doubter, and indeed he was. That much is true and that is pretty much what the readings for today say. The gist of it is that since Thomas doubted we need not be all that concerned when we too have doubts. Thomas turned out to be a saint, after all.

As usual, there is a grain of truth in The Church's teaching. I think we really can have some assurance that our doubts are not at all worrisome. But I think there' s more to it that just that.

Some people have said, and in my great wisdom I concur, that real doubt is the only evidence of faith. I am not talking about arrogant skepticism. Intellectuals and idiots alike can manage that much. I am talking about real, honest, not knowing. We Anglicans like to talk a lot about dwelling in the questions. Mystics sometimes glorify the cloud of unknowing. Nobody ever calls it doubt, though, because "doubt" sounds kind of unspiritual. We don't want to sound unspiritual.

Remember when I blogged on: "All things come of you, Oh Lord..." Well, then, you know where I think doubt comes from. I think it comes from God and, as usual, I am going to tell you why.

Doubt comes from God because all things come from God and nothing that exists comes from anywhere else. Surly sin and the devil have perverted most of it but that doesn't change the fact that God is the one who created it.

God created doubt for two reasons:

It makes us truth seekers.

And if we are also truth tellers,

It draws us to God.

Thomas was a truth seeker and a truth teller.

Remember when Jesus was trying to comfort the disciples about his pending death? (John 13-14) It was Thomas who interrupted with, "But, wait a minute, I don't understand. Lord, you said that we know where you are going. But, I don't know. You said that we know how to get there too. But, I don't know that either."

Everyone else, I imagine, was going along with what Jesus was saying... Very nicely nodding their heads and thinking that they understood... Thinking that Jesus was about to set up his earthly kingdom and appoint them prime ministers of good times is what they were thinking. Just imagine all the disciples sitting around listening to Jesus describe a great new world order in which, instead of being despised tax gathers and small-time fishermen, they were going to be the ruling elite! From now on their Roman oppressors were going to serve them. What a self-important reverie that must have been! And then, just seconds before the fantasy was scheduled to become reality, Thomas interrupted with "Hey wait a minute... Let's just back up some because I don't really get it..."

But, it's the interrupter, the one with inconvenient questions, that may invite the most amazing answers from our Lord.

"I am the way, Thomas. I am the destination, and I will get you there."

And then Jesus continues on with a series of remarkable statements which I am not entirely convinced were part of the original speech:

"From now on, you know God and you have seen God because you have seen me,"
"Believe in me, and you will do even greater works than I have done,"
"Ask anything in my name and I will do it,"
"You shall live because I live..."

There's lots more, and it goes on from there. Read it yourself.

Jesus makes these remarkable statements because one man, our friend Thomas, refused to just go along. Thomas was faithful to his own truth and he wasn't afraid to talk about it, "I don't understand," he cries out.

And I think this cry rings out throughout the centuries. How many prayers of desperation and despair are centered on this one theme: "I don't understand," or "Why, Lord... Why?" We've all prayed like that at some point.

It was with a history of questioning and doubting -- not just spouting off but deeply questioning -- that Thomas announced to his brother apostles that he would not believe in the resurrection unless he touched Jesus' wounds. For most it would be impudent to presume to approach the King of Glory in this way, to be so close, to touch not just his person but his wounds. And yet good old Thomas does not hesitate. He has a history after all... Over and over his candor in admitting his own doubts and questions, in revealing his own woundedness, has been rewarded with equal candor and revelation from Jesus.

Oh, the stories that have never been told about Thomas and Jesus going through all the questions and uncertainties that Thomas has... Jesus patiently, lovingly, laying it all out for him. Thomas, after all, is the independent thinker. He is the one Jesus can count on not to go along with the crowd. It's important for Thomas to get it right.

I imagine Thomas wouldn't have made much of a Christian. The church likes cowardly, equivicating, parishioners who don't really know much. It's actually encouraged. The Church doesn't do well with genuine doubt, the annoying and constant questions of those who do not follow the crowd.

But, if against all my sage advice, you should venture into that continent full of strange flowers and fantastic animals called the Church, know this: The Church is in desperate need of doubters, questioners, and annoying people. But, true-hearted doubters especially. They are the gift that draws us into the intimacy of Christ's woundedness and makes it possible for us to acknowledge our own. They know, because they are the bearers of a centuries-old mantle of questioning, that God responds to our candor in not knowing with equally candid revelation.

Just to put it briefly... As if ever... It's the doubters who make faith possible for the rest of us.

2006-07-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about the Trinity-Toon pictured at left. Very amusing, isn't it?

When the Lutherans are being boring, and the 'piskies are being pissy, leave it to the Presbys to lighten the mood.

But, I was thinking about it this morning... The rock redeemer, womb, whatever... And, may the God of the liberals help me, I began to see the theological soundness of rock, paper, scissors.

ROCK of Ages, of course, cleft for me. Rock from which comes saving water, sealing oil, and honey enough to make even a rough incarnation sweet. A purely dumb thing, the main object of which may be to remind us that God can use anything.

PAPER, which as anyone who has played the game knows, covers everything else. Like a garment knitted of love and skin to cover the shame of sin; like the bandage of forgiveness which covers our wounds, love and forgiveness are the paper that covers everything else.

And the good old SCISSORS are for pruning the vine, giving shape and form. Sometimes God prunes gently, sometimes brutally. Sometimes God lets our enemies do it, and sometimes... Oh God, how I wish it weren't so... even our friends. But, like it or not, the scissors are there. It's even in the Bible for all you literalists.

Of course, those are not exactly what we mean by Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. But, they are also not all together incorrect. And Rock, Redeemer, and Womb don't quite get it either. So there. I am not trying to pawn this off on you as real theology anyway, just an idea. And here it is:

What I have been thinking relative to this bit of silliness is that even when we deliberately try not to talk about God, we are talking about God. God is everything. That's how God is.

God is the cold stone as well as the honey that comes from it. God is the wound and God is the healer. God is the vine and the scissors, the enemy and the friend, the helpful clip and the stab in the back.

We can no more not talk about God than we can flee from Her presence. So, bring on the wombs and rocks, sisters and mothers, redeemers and whatnots. Whatever words we use, it's still all about God.

2006-06-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently that [brokenness] is the matter with which God works.

I wrote this on my blog a few days ago. I hadn't intended to say it. It was not a post about sacraments. Even in these weeks when our conservative friends remind us that some of us are not the proper matter for ordination or consecration... it just wasn't on my radar until I wrote it.

Been thinking about that. Brokenness is the matter with which God works. Our own brokenness is the matter of God's sacrament making.

Been thinking about that.

2006-06-25T02:18:00.001-07:00

I have not left the Rublev… I find the person of The Holy Spirit difficult. I am also finding that I don’t want to close out my discussion of The Trinity and so I am just postponing it. I like thinking about it. I have the seeds of an idea I got from something I read of Moultmann the other day. I just want to let it simmer for awhile because it‘s not quite done yet.

Been thinking about other things:

“All things come of thee O Lord, and of thine own have we given thee…”

We say these words every Sunday as the offering and elements are brought forward and the saying is very much associated with those things. It’s as if in our minds we are saying, “All good things come of thee O Lord, and we’ve brought some of them here today.” And that is true. All good things DO come from the Lord. But, that’s not what we say is it? No, it is not. What we say is “All things… come of thee…” All things is a little different than all good things.

I know this family who are in a very bad situation. They have enjoyed a middle-class life and careers that they enjoyed and felt validated by. But, because of illness and a death it is pretty much falling apart. I mean comparable to Job. Really falling apart. So one of them said to me the other day that they know this is not from God because God just wouldn’t let things get like this.

And I’ve been thinking about that.

Obviously there are things going on that we do not know about. It is possible that this calamity is not from God. Job’s wasn’t... You know, entirely. So, I am open to that possibility. But, I am more in favor of the idea that it IS from God. And, I’ll tell you why. Two reasons:

I believe that God is deliberate. God doesn’t just let things slip through the cracks and then, uh-oh the devil got through… No, it’s not like that. You are sealed as Christ’s own forever and the devil doesn’t get through. The end. Even in the case of Job, God was on the ball with it. God set the parameters. God had an objective.

“…of Thine own have we given thee” can’t be just about the good things. If you think God desires your wealth you might want to think again. Nor is God overly impressed with bread and wine. God has plenty of both. We bring these things to God not because of what they are but as a symbol of offering our whole selves to God, our broken hearts and contrite spirits. That is the real offering.

God says we can keep all the other stuff as long as He can have our brokenness. Apparently that is the matter with which God works.

All things come of Thee O Lord, and of thine own have we given thee.

As we accept God’s good gifts and blessings let us also accept and be thankful for those gifts which produce brokenness and contrition because they come from God too. And the good news is that God wants them back!

Give God your little dab of gold and wine if it makes you feel better. But, run, run to God with your offerings of pain and deep sorrow. Run to God in contrition and despairing. Run to God with the daily wounds of being human. Run to God and be healed… of everything.

Been thinking about that.

2006-06-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

I continued thinking about the Rublev this morning. The character seated in the center is our brother Jesus.

Poor Jesus. I don’t know how he puts up with me. I am confused and unfocused most of the time. I can barely get through Lauds without thinking it’s a little boring. I only slog it out until Compline when I debate whether or not I’ve prayed enough for one lifetime. And, yet He can’t quite get rid of me.

Jesus, ever looking toward His Parent, is covered almost entirely in blue. He has put flesh all over himself. Had to do that in order to live among us I guess. His undergarment is the color of dust. The dust Adam was made from. It’s the dirty-red color of blood actually, perhaps indicating that Jesus knew what a bloody hard struggle the whole incarnate enterprise can be. The only indication of his Heavenly status is a little band of gold on the shoulder. It’s toward the Parent. Unobtrusive but clear.

In this icon, Jesus doesn’t have the traditional Trinitarian nimbus. Not necessary. There is the Parent and the Spirit right there with him.

Jesus has one hand on his staff, quite firmly. The other hand is on the table. In other words, while He has the full authority of the Parent, he also has a hand in the affairs of earth. The hand on the table is explaining His two natures. It may even be pointing to the chalice on the table, not sure. In any event, Jesus’ work is in Heaven and on earth.

One of the Oaks of Mamre is shown behind him. The tree he will die on? Maybe. Probably that is what Rublev intended. But, in a universe of possibilities, it might be another kind of tree.

Maybe it’s the tree Zaccheus climbed up into, reminding us that those who seek will find. Even first century wheeler-dealers, taking from the government and from it’s citizens too, may truly find and know The Lord just by looking for Him. This is Jesus telling us not to be too judgmental about the rich corporate raiders who fill our white-collar prisons. Those are His friends. This is Jesus telling us that He is not too interested in the crowd but He seeks out the ones who seek Him.

Or, could it be one of those Cedars of Lebanon? Jesus later replaces this image with an image of mere mustard weeds. Speaking to us of the reality of the Kingdom Of God, Jesus says forget the mighty cedars, rather be prepared to stick out like a weed in a perfectly manicured lawn. This is the Jesus who does not call us to greatness but to absurdity: We are to be peacemakers in a world of warriors, giving in a world of takers, meek in a world of the mighty.

Could it be the tree that sweetened the waters at Marah? With all the bitterness in this world, from the tempest in my own heart to the wars raging across Africa and the Middle East, isn’t this a message we can all rejoice to hear? Even the bitterest waters may be made sweet again. There is hope that we will not die drowning in a sea of our own bitterness. It is possible that our bitterness can be made sweet again. I don’t know how. But, I have proof that it’s possible.

There are a lot of trees it could be. Just as there are a lot of things Jesus’ hands could be saying, his eyes, his clothes.

The point of being with an icon is not to determine what it is saying. Even in this little bit I feel I have stepped too far over the interpretative line. The point is just to be with the icon. How it works, why it moves the heart, I don’t know. I have no idea at all and I don’t know anyone else who knows either. And more and more it just doesn’t matter.

2006-06-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve read that there’s some uncertainty over which of the three characters Rublev intended to represent God, The Parent. Perhaps as a testimony to my ignorance it is perfectly clear to me that the figure on the left represents The Parent.

You can see the icon here.

Each of the figures are wearing a blue garment. Blue, the color of this Earth our island home… The color blue connects them to the earth and to us. But, the figure on the left is mainly covered by an ethereal golden tunic. There’s just a sliver of blue in front and back. God The Parent works mainly in Heaven with its golden streets and angelic hosts. Earth is close to His heart but His duties are in Heaven.

He holds his Heavenly staff with both hands. This means that neither of His hands are on the table. God works in Heaven, not on Earth.

He is looking over at Jesus, in the center. Jesus is the hope for the world, all the cosmos, that is so close to His heart.

Just behind Him is a house filled with many mansions. One for me. I hope I’ll be in the gay section as I am getting bored with heterosexuals. There’s a mansion for everyone… And that brings me to what I’ve actually been thinking about today:

If God’s own self is a community, and one day we’ll all live together in Heaven, why is it that I desire only solitude?

Here’s another one:

Why is it that the more I am alone and silent, the more connected I am with the world?

I am starting to see most of my life as just a big distraction. My friends, my little activities, the committees which so bore me. It’s a big distraction.

When I am all involved in the world -- and it makes others so happy when I am involved in a way that pleases them -- it’s too easy to forget about the hungry family living underneath the bridge down the street. I forget that Albert needs underwear and sox. The homeless guy with a dog, I don’t even know his name, needs dog food. I forget to pray for those with AIDS, those who are afraid, the beaten and the beaten down, and the angry raging souls who do the beating. I forget the women crying out for justice which will not be granted, the children fighting to stay alive. I forget about all that.

I guess it’s a matter of which community I’m committed to.

Been thinking about that.

2006-06-16T00:58:00.000-07:00

For Trinity Sunday, last week for the Orthodox and the week before for everybody else, I used the Rublev icon as my point of departure. I like having a picture, or some writing from one of the fathers, or even that wheel drawing… just anything. Otherwise, it’s too overwhelming for me.

But, this icon is more than a point of departure. For one thing, it’s an icon which is different from a drawing or something so I might have predicted that, lo these many days later, I’d still be thinking about it. But, this icon is more interesting than others. It’s as if it’s sacred quality is actually conveyed electronically. I made it the wallpaper on my computer. That’s how engaging it is.

The first thing we notice about this icon is that Rublev has eliminated any extra material. He didn’t even include Avraham and Sari. This icon is about the relationship of the members of the Trinity. THAT’s it’s story. In fact, if you don’t know that this icon is about the visitation at the Oaks of Mamre, you likely wouldn’t deduce it just from reading the icon itself. It’s a story about the unique gifts of each person of the Trinity and the intimate unity, a unity of intention and substance, in which such uniqueness functions.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel inclined to write more on this. Maybe not. In any event, I’ve left job and the role of experience in formation but will return to both later. I’m just going to be thinking about this icon for awhile.

2006-06-11T03:14:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the role that experience has in forming my beliefs and practice. I had always dismissed it as a Wesleyan invention. Now I am reassessing.

2006-06-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

If you’ll indulge me in a supersessionist moment…

I’ve been thinking about how Shavuot and Pentecost fall on the same day. God gives Himself in the Torah, then God gives Himself as Paraclete.

God as Torah flies back up into heaven after the little incident with the Golden calf, and comes back down as Torah. God in Jesus, who also calls himself paracletos, has gone back up into Heaven at Ascension, and now comes back down as Paraclete, the spirit. Just been thinking about that.

Also been thinking about the connection between Ascension and Pentecost. I’d never gotten this before but Ascension is about passing on the teachings. It’s a charge to followers of Jesus to continue the work by passing it along to others. And it is the job of the Holy Spirit to help us do it. The Holy Spirit is the first apostolo, being sent as a paracletos, defending, making a case… Thus empowering all of us to carry out the commission of Ascension. -- I’d just never before realized how connected those two things were.

2006-05-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

This evening in Hebrew class one of my fellow students pointed out that “I don’t know” sounds a lot like “Adonai.” You know, when you say it in a certain way.

So our ‘drosh on that was that we are closer to God when we live in the questions.

It sounds lame but… it’s a pretty good ‘drosh I think.

2006-05-29T00:00:00.001-07:00

Last week I wrote to a man who is a conservative (for lack of a better term) whose position I wanted to understand better. One of the things I told him was that I think of conservatives as wanting to turn back time. Some just want to go back a little bit to a time before there were any 'mos, others would like to go back to the 1662 maybe earlier! I don't know. And although my new friend denies this I still kind of believe it. I am trying to be aware of the times I think of conservative people in terms of how far back they want to go and I am really quite bad about having a lot of them pegged somewhere along a time line. So, as a first step on my own part, I'd like to just stop doing that. And, really, it is dehumanizing to define children of God by something that I think they think which they deny thinking. I mean, it's pretty ridiculous so I'm going to stop doing it.

But, and this is the thing I've been thinking about, he turned the question around on me and asked me if I don't wish I could take the church forward to some future time. And what I've realized as I've been going madly around these last two days is that in my own mind -- such as it is -- it already is the future. I believe that The Church has already been perfected (You know, the way I want it to be, complete with homos and everything) and that all this mucking around about it is just so much mucking. I don't think that it really amounts to much all the reports and even all the talking (clearly nobody is listening anyway) and what a sad waste of resources and time with the infernal meetings! I really don't take the process quite as seriously as I've said. For me, the process is about enduring until the rest of Christendom catches up to where I am. And, silly as all that sounds, it's really kind of where I am.

I wonder if my friend, and I'm not trying to speak for him because I really don't know, I am just wondering. I wonder if he, and I, and probably lots of others aren't just living in different times. And, by that I guess what I mean is realities. My reality, the world I actually live in, has lots of homos and (except for church where we are still not welcome) we all pretty much live as if our lives were a good part of creation and as if we were as worthy as anyone else to pursue our faith and live out our values. But I can imagine that in another reality the thought of a lesbian (or, in another reality I might be called a "homosexual person." I'm not kidding, that's what they call us.) In another reality a lesbian like me doesn't even exist. In those realities lesbians are sick, they are unhappy, they are lawbreakers, they are all butch, they smoke, and drink Port wine... It's the stereotype but it does reflect a certain reality, a certain time. It is impossible for there to be lesbians who study the Bible seriously and pray for understanding and for their enemies and consider carefully how they are expressing the Gospel of Christ in the world. They can't exist in certain realities, certain times.

Imagine getting Fred Flinstone and George Jetson in the same room. Both were pretty swell fellows in their own time but neither of them are in touch with the present time. And there's the rub... We speak of "these present troubles," not the troubles of the past or the troubles of the future. It's THESE troubles we can't quite get past. These PRESENT troubles.

Could it be that we have reduced ourselves, and one another, to cartoon characters living in a fantasy land/time? I mean, is that where we are? And if that's true, what does it take for me to leave my own fantasy land and find reality? I don't even know if I am willing to do that if I knew how.

It is possible that when I think about this in a more deliberate way I will come up with something different but this is where I am after a long day of walking dogs and scooping litter boxes. Now if I can just get Rosie The Robot to draw me a nice hot bath...

2006-05-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

In Hebrew there is not a word for mind. Been thinking about that.

Those of us who make such a big deal of worshipping God with our minds... How silly of us! God thought so highly of our minds that God didn't even make up a word for them. And, really, what puny little things they are anyway.

So when we study Torah, it's not our minds we use. It's our hearts.

Does mind even exist?

There's something to think about.

2006-05-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about waiting.

I think there’re two kinds of waiting. The kind that involves time and the kind that involves uncertainty.

When I do have to wait, as in chronological waiting, I usually just wait. If it’s in traffic I will sometimes turn off and take another route but I don’t often honk my horn unless someone pisses me off. Then I honk. But, over all, waiting in time doesn’t bother me much. Time is an illusion anyway. Why get so caught up?

Waiting in uncertainty is harder. Like waiting to find out whether or not you are pregnant, whether or not you are going to get that raise, if the tumor is malignant, the rumor true, whatever. Of course at some point you WILL find out the answer. Probably there’s no way to produce the answer sooner, or to change the answer once it’s known. Yet, this kind of waiting seems just about impossible for some people.

I have a friend who can’t wait. She goes directly from uncertainty to anxiety. She doesn’t wait. Says she can’t. It’s a disorder. I try to be understanding of this but I don’t really get it.

I have had to wait for something lately. Something important. Something I want to happen. It hasn’t. May not ever. In fact, I have very little hope of it but I still want it. Even pray for it.

But, instead of being a burden, I’ve started to see this time of waiting as a blessing. It’s where I speak to God of my belief in His providence, His love and care for me. I believe that God reconciles, forgives, heals. I don’t have any evidence to support that in this case but I believe it nonetheless.

I may have to wait for a long time to see how this turns out… if ever. And when it does turn out I think there is a very high probability that I won’t like too much the way it goes. But, though He slay me yet will I trust… and this opportunity to trust, no matter which way it goes, may be better than the thing itself.

2006-04-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking about what I need in a church.

What I think I need in a church is:

Access to the Sacraments
Theologically sound liturgy
Commitment to Anglican distinctives
Music that does not suck
Preaching that is either interesting or short
Adult education that is not condescending or insulting
Competent clergy
One or two activities per year which are not totally geared towards families with children

And I really don’t feel that that is asking too much. Truly, I don’t.

Yet, even if I were able to find that in the EDOT, and it may well exist here. I mean, in a universe of possibilities… . Even if I found that, it still wouldn’t be enough for me because there is one thing more that I not only want but which is a real deal breaker for me. I didn’t realize this until recently but there is something I need more than any of the things listed above, even all of them put together;

I really need to feel that I am wanted.

And that trumps all the other stuff.

I have resisted going to any of those protestant/quasi-protestant splinter churches because they don’t offer any of the things on my list. But, I’ll say this, they do act like they want me. I might even have something of value to bring to them. I’m not saying I’m going to start going to Joel Osteen or anything. But, if I were one day to suddenly find myself at the Oasis Of Love, I think it might feel a damn sight better than Christ Episcopal…

Just thinking about that.

2006-03-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

As the eyes of the servants are on the hands of their masters...
As the eyes of the slave girl are on her mistress...
As the eyes of my dog observe my every action, loving each step I take, caring for the subtlest gesture...
So are our eyes on the Lord God.

A variation of Ps 123

2006-03-27T17:04:00.000-08:00

Mainly been thinking about how to fix my computer. It is surprising to me, and alarming, how much time I've devoted to this enterprise.

I've also been thinking about work and how it is supposed to be a holy enterprise. Yet, I do not feel that my work is very holy. Mainly I find it boring, just stupefyingly boring. I try to care for the animals with love, tenderly helping the weak ones. It's when I have a sick or old pet that I most approach interest. My work doesn't do any of the things that Joan and Thomas say it is supposed to do... Chittester and Merton, respectively. It does not support my community. I do not have a community. It does not help others. It merely enables them to work longer and take vacations. It does not ennoble me. People look down on me for my job. It is not a proper balance to a life of prayer. It is its own life for when I am not doing my job, I am worrying about it. It does not produce enough income to justify even my own existence and provides precious little help to others. Work is pointless and it sucks.

2006-02-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

Been thinking about idolatry a lot.

Psalm 115:8 says that those who make them (idols) are like them. So, I wonder if we can say that the inverse is true too: If you want to know what you are like, take a look at your idols.

Even before I stumbled across this verse in the readings I'd been thinking about the idolatry of smooth sailing, the near worship of keeping everything going along all nicely and without ranker. And yet we know what Jesus said about his real mission; setting one against the other, overturning the dominant paradigm. We know that Jesus did not get up out of the hold of the boat to tend to a clam sea but a stormy one, he did not walk on still waters but raging ones. Somehow, and this is a little baffling, we now think that the presence of God is quiet and peaceful, free from all strife. How did we get to that?

Three things I imagine. Probably more. But, here are three: Lack of knowledge, lack of faith, and wrong focus

What we need to know is that God's Peace - Shalom - is not about smooth sailing. Shalom is written with a Shin, a Lamed, and a Mem. Lamed, the biggest of the Hebrew letters and one of the middle letters is clearly an anchor for us as well as a center. But, the big comfortable center is preceded by the fire of Shin -- uncontrollable, unpredictable, burning, purifying fire -- and the water of Mem -- engulfing, raging, crushing water. So, you see that the Peace of God may be -- well, it IS -- surrounded by chaos. It is out of our control. And it is difficult... Not smooth sailing.

It is easy to have faith when things are going along smoothly. Thus, the temptation. But, real faith says that God is God even when I am not in control, even when the flames are licking at my heels and the waters are up to my neck.... I am going down. In our parishes and businesses and lives, we want to believe that we are in the center of God's peace -- right on the Lamed. We want others to believe that about us too. But, the truth is that most of us are too scared to even face the fire and water that might get us there at all. It is a pure, and understandable, lack of faith. Fear.

Since I've been in Texas I've heard a lot about just gathering around the foot of the cross and bowing our sinful heads before the stricken Jesus. Egad! There is certainly merit in meditation on the cross, not disputing that at all. What I am saying is that it's the wrong focus. When people are gathered at the foot of the cross they've missed the resurrection, Pentecost, Epiphany, and the rest... And, perhaps worse, at the foot of the cross people may look down, they may look at Jesus, but they almost never look at one another. A community gathered round a table, on the other hand, knows that it is living in the resurrection era with all the attendant hope of the Kingdom of God. And people look at one another. They are unafraid of rough seas, hard times. They confront difficulties. They love despite everything because they've been raised up from down under the cross into a new way of living and the love of God is inside of them carried by bread and wine and hope.

The real presence of God, I am convinced, is in the rough seas and the fiery chaos beyond my control.

I am not sailing on smooth seas, nor am I afraid.

2006-01-15T21:50:00.000-08:00

Last week the members of my little Hebrew Conclave asked me to get a copy of the 613 Mitzvot for them. (I think that they thought I was just making the whole thing up, really. But, whatever.) So, this week I found a fairly readable list and formatted it carefully and printed it out for them.

Then I started thinking about how this would be perceived by the ten year olds who are the real focus of the class, not their parents who were the ones who really wanted the list. The children seem to be content just to love God and learn about God. Their parents need the rules. Whatever helps is good though, so I got the Mitzvot.

Now, about the Mitzvot, having relations with one’s ox is not something I am eager to delve into with anyone. Talking to ten year olds about it makes me want to run far away. Far. Plus, there are a lot of words that the children won’t know. It will be a good teaching opportunity for their parents. IF -- and it is not at all certain -- the parents know. But, by Wednesday I realized that there was something much deeper bothering me about placing these 613 commandments in the hands of my innocent and vulnerable ten year old friends. They will, after all, deal with incest, bestiality, and big words soon enough anyway.

What really troubled me was the whole rule thing. And this is more than just a projection of my own anti-authoritarianism in which I feel totally justified anyway. What I want is for them to see that the Mitzvot are not just a list of rules but an invitation, an holy opportunity, to divinize the mundane. Yet, when I see them all lined out there on the page, it does look like a list of rules. Just been thinking about that. Wanting the children to be liberated by the law, not oppressed by it. They are only ten. I imagine they will do better with it than I have.

2005-12-27T16:29:00.000-08:00

"... Angels along with shepherds glorify him..."

Angels and shepherds... Want to tell me again about how some people are better than others, more worthy. Because I don't think God sees it quite that way. Angels and shepherds side by side. Been thinking about that today.

2005-12-23T00:34:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the nativity story with a consumerist
orgy is to misunderstand a myth that venerates the
outcast and dispossessed

Karen Armstrong
Thursday December 22, 2005
The Guardian

Jesus -- the self-giving God who had no place to lay his own head, who advised his followers to give away all they had to the poor, who was not even afforded common comforts at his birth -- has now become the “Reason for the Season” of indulgence, glitter, consumerism. Been thinking about that today. If indeed Jesus is the “Reason for the Season,” wouldn’t we observe the season better by serving the poor, reaching out to the marginalized and dispossessed?

A lot of these “Reason for the Season” type of Christians have been going around claiming that secularists are trying to take Christ out of Christmas. As if such a thing were even possible… But, what I want to know is why no one is decrying the absence of the mass in Christmas? Will James Dobson, one of the chief advocates of keeping Christ in Christmas, be at mass on Christmas day? Been wondering about that today. Wonder whether or not Jesus would even want to be in Christmas. I imagine He is rather appalled by it all.

And, whatever happened to WWJD? That was promulgated by the same crowd. I think they spent a little too much time wondering what Jesus would do and not quite enough time contemplating what He’s already done. What Jesus did is he let the wise and learned -- The Wise Men -- figure out when and where He would be born. As a result, they showed up two years after the fact and brought the very kinds of gifts Jesus would later say He was not interested in. But to the shepherds, often shunned by their own people because of their inability to observe the purity code, he sent angels. That’s what Jesus did, and that’s what He would do again. I’d bet on it.

Keeping Christ in Christmas,
Jesus is the Reason for the Season,
WWJD,

It’s all just talk isn’t it?

2005-12-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

The shepherds, standing out in their fields, decided to go and see for themselves what the Angels had told them about Jesus. So they took off. Hastily. And they went expecting to find the Christ. But they found more than that, didn’t they?

“… and they found Mary, and Joseph, and the Babe laying in a manger.”

We may come to religion because we need a savior. But, we find more. There are surprises.

2005-12-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

Those who worshipped the stars were instricted by a star to worship thee...

Is it possible that even our idols are telling us to worship God alone? Even that which WE use to remove us from God, is pointing us back to the divine. Now, that's pretty amazing.

Thinking about tht today.

2005-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back there was a lot of chatter on the House of Bishops and Deputies Listserve about what kind of person made a good representative of Christ and would therefore be suitable for ordination. -- Don’t even get me going on the screwed up nature of that kind of thinking. I have never had a priest who I thought was much like Jesus, on the altar or off. Any who… -- The Bishops and Deputies were discussing it.

What I realized is that the very best representative of Christ I have in my life is Rowan Williams, my dog.

For one thing, he is perfect in form. This is part fo what the Bishops and Deputies were discussing: Could a handicapped person represent Christ. I’m not kidding, that really came up. These are the people leading our church. Oy veigh… Rowan, though, unlike the obese and unattractive clergy I usually see around here, is perfect. He is thin, can run fast, jump high, and catch flies often on the very first try. I’d like to see a priest who can do that.

Although Rowan is a homosexual, he is in the closet and lies about it when asked. It is certainly Christlike to lie about yourself because it might make others feel more comfortable. Jesus was all about smooth sailing, not rocking the boat, you know. He told people what they wanted to hear. That’s what good priests do. Alas, speaking seriously now, it would appear to be what ALL priests do.

Rowan’s love is sure. Solid as a rock. Unwavering. Even if I am late with dinner, or if I fail to put the gravy on it, or whatever… Rowan is quick to forgive. Love forgives everything. You never do know when your priest is going to turn on you, though. But you can be certain that once they do, you’re out of church forever. No forgiveness for you my friend.

Rowan’s chief delight, beyond treats or swimming or anything else, is for me to put aside what I am doing and spend time with him. Just me and him. Petting, brushing, talking, or just sitting together. Rowan just wants to be with me. That may be his most Christlike attribute of all.

2005-11-25T05:13:00.000-08:00

Mark 5:24-34
So, there are a bunch of people around Jesus, lots of them touch him. One gets healed. Faith.

2005-11-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

I didn't actually think about this today. It was posted to a list I subscribe to. Worth thinking about, though.

"If you are neutral in a situation of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."
--Desmond Tutu

2005-11-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

Well, mainly I've just been mad lately. And I'll tell you what I think about that. I can think of no more reasonable, no more Christlike response, than anger. In fact, to borrow from a now-famous bumper sticker, "If You're Not Mad, You're Not Paying Attention."

I am not mad about very many things. Most things I attribute to stupidity and it's not practical or even wise to be mad at the stupid. People who voted for Amendment 2 in Texas, just as an example. They are stupid. I'm not mad at them.

But, a diocese where people are treated badly and you can get kicked out of church is not stupid. It's mean. I am mad about that. Steaming mad.

Mainly I am mad because of the way I have been treated. But, I have to wonder how many lonely Christians there are in this diocese who were kicked out and have no place to go. How many others were run off by mean priests, left outside the flock, trying to figure a way to get the sacrament? That makes me boiling mad, which is one step up from steaming.

And the thing that makes me fiery hot mad to the point of boiling over? Bishops who should know better and yet allow their sheep to languish under the care of inept and stupid under shepherds. Bishops who are willing to take a Baptist, throw a chasuble over him, and call him an Episcopal priest. Ordination being sold for celibacy. Promotion of the heresy that there is a wide gulf between those in HOLY orders and the rest of us who are supposed to take orders. Laity being treated like children instead of children of God. Priests who want to be called Father even though they behave more like donkeys. Being able to become an Episcopalian by watching a video. A "Mission" to avoid controversy, and the poor, at all costs. Yes, I am mad... White, hot, roaring, calling bears down out of the mountains to eat you, mad.

I am mad at the Episcopal Diocese of Texas. I am mad at every priest and deacon and archdeacon and rector and arch rector and bishop of every variety. Whatever your little title, I am mad at you. I am mad that you have a church and I do not. And I am mad that you are running it into the ground.

2005-10-30T14:38:00.000-08:00

So, I was in religious school this morning and this guy, Andy, he starts chuckling to himself. And what he says is something like, “Can you imagine if some Christian found out that Babylonian creation theology was right here in Torah?”

I fail to see the humor in that. For one thing, Christians have made that connection for longer than I’ve been a Christian. It’s not that high and exalted of a thing to notice. I don’t know of anyone who thinks it is any kind of a big deal either.

I suspect that Andy’s comment was not based so much on his new found appreciation of Babylonian theology as it is on the assumption that Christians are stupid, and the cultural norm that says that everyone will go along with it if you make fun of a Christian. After all, Jerry Falwell is one. And he IS a fairly easy mark.

I hate to say it, but the Christians I know -- ‘round these ‘heah paaats an-a-way -- ARE pretty dumb. And at this point I would like to lay into the Episcopalians and the myriad ways in which the bishops and clergy of this diocese have failed their flocks. But, the thing is, and the thing I would like to say to Andy, is that even stupid Christians are made in the image of God, same as you. Even the dullest of Lutherans is loved and cherished by God. Even the fattest, most hypocritical, fundamentalist… Oh, let’s just say it… God even loves Jerry Falwell! …And even me.

I doubt that there would have been such tacit acceptance of a disparaging comment made about pagans, or feminists, or God forbid Muslims. But, it’s OK to mock the Christians. I take issue with that kind of mos. Andy was the one who said the words. But, the mores of the group made it acceptable, even amusing. And that says more about the group than it does about Andy.

NOTE TO ANDY: When you talk about Christians... That's me you're talking about.

2005-10-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight,feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings." -Victor Hugo

Been thinking about that today.

2005-10-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about superpowers. You know, the kind that superheroes have. Superman can bend steel with his bare hands, Wonder Woman can catch bullets with her bracelets, Even Underdog can fly.

I don’t have any superpowers. But, if I did, the superpower I would want would be the power to take away people’s driving licenses. Look, some of you people shouldn’t be on the public roadways. You drive badly and you are annoying. So, just shape up on that. OK? Otherwise, I might have to take your license.

2005-10-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about Ken. One of my oldest friends. Not one of those friends whom you know in college, but not in real life; Or, the kind you know from this job or that job… Ken was a real life friend. In college, yes. But, beyond too.

Didn’t see him very often. In fact, recently our relationship was mainly him emailing me things I deleted without reading. I never doubted Ken’s friendship. Ken and James… I never doubt those two. Bob. Everyone else, I think they secretly hate me.

Ken died yesterday.

Been thinking about that a lot.

I will not miss his jokes or his emails. Clearly, I don’t even miss his presence or the sound of his voice since I never went to see him or called him on the phone. But, I will miss the constancy of knowing he was there. Ken loved me. He was my friend. You know what it says in the Bible: “A friend loves you all the time even if you suck.” That’s the kind of friend he was. I am not sure that all that many people can pull off that kind of friendship, that constancy of love.

Ken collected things: Stamps, coins, crap of all kinds. He gave me some of the better stuff once.

Ken is the only person who ever made me a mix tape.

Ken gave me his GNT when I started Greek at Howard Payne. I still have it. Still use it. His name is written on the inside in fat magic marker. I never thought about it before but now I am glad.

When I was the editor of a small town newspaper, Ken gave me a dictionary. I still have that too. He wrote me a long note in the front adjuring me to use it.

When I went to work for the Republicans he didn’t give up on me.

Our worlds grew apart over the years. But the love… that stayed.

Been thinking about Ken today.

2005-10-07T04:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I thought about Corinthians 4:9-16 which was the pericope for the day for the Greek Orthodox. It’s that passage that talks about how the poor old apostles were being ridiculed and made fun of, and their followers were… Well, let’s just take a look at it:

We (the apostles look like fools, but you (followers of Jesus) look wise…

we are without honor, you are distinguished…

We are weak, you are strong…

We are hungry and thirsty…

We don’t have fine clothes…

We are treated badly…

We are homeless…

Good grief… That was then, I guess, because these days it’s just the opposite. Those now claiming the apostles mantle are likely to look wise and be distinguished and have several honorary degrees on their paneled walls. They expect us stupid and weak lay folks (that’s what they call us, “folks.”) They expect us to look to them for strength. As if we are really stupid enough to do that. They are never hungry, many are fat. They dress in special clothes to show how special they are. And, it would be unseemly to treat one of them badly. In fact, Episcopal bishops themselves get a pass on bad behavior because nobody wants to tell them when they are being pigs, or even when they are failing to be pastors which is mainly their job; you know, to be the chief pastor and to dress nicely. And, unlike the real apostles, bishops today are likely to live in a home provided by their diocese. It has to be a real nice one too on account of their hospitality duties. Give me a break.

After that I thought about how I used to not be this way. I used to love the Episcopal Church. Truly love it. The longer I am kicked out if it, the less I love it. Pretty soon I think I am going to start hating it. If I can’t be in it, I hate it. Hate it.

I hope I think about something better today.

2005-10-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

I thought that it would be good to observe St. Michael and All Angels for another week. If I were an Episcopalian I might feel compelled to try and follow along with the program. But, I'm not in it. And the up side of that is that I can do whatever I want.

I also thought quite a lot about how even though I miss my church I am happy not to be part of the Diocese of Texas because -- and this is not so much my hysterical hyperbole as it is just plain sad fact -- it is really awful.

Maybe someday I’ll move to a good diocese and I can be part of the church again. In the meantime, I am thankful for that bitchy priest in Cedar Park who recognized that my way of being a Christian, and of being decent, was so far removed from the rest of the diocese that I could never fit in.

I miss church. I miss it a lot. It is hard to obtain the Eucharist. I feel isolated. You know, more than usual. I don’t really believe that Christianity can be properly lived in isolation. But, I was never all that proper about it anyway I guess otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten kicked out to start with.

I am a free radical, lacking electrons. I can go anywhere, put me in church or synagogue, and I will make things happen. But, I never belong. Neither is my home. I am incomplete. Looking for the electron that will make me whole.

2005-10-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

This is what I thought about today.

I have wondered if this woman, made by God and cherished by God, did she get anything to eat today? Did anyone see and serve Christ in her today? And, I thought a lot about my own complicity in creating and condoning her situation.

I wonder what brings her joy, what she believes, how she contributes, who she loves? Are her contributions honored, or is she thought to only be a taker, a chronic need?

That's what I thought about today.

2005-09-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about class a lot. We don’t talk about class. And I think the reason we don’t is because we don’t have classes anymore. -- There was a time when people lived in a neighborhood and saw the same people every day. Keeping up with the Jones’ was no big deal in the neighborhood because the Jones’ made about the same amount of money you did. People were happy with what they had. -- Then came media, women in the workforce, and exposure to all manner of consumer goods that heretofore the Jones knew nothing about. It’s only human to want what you see. And the people from the neighborhoods were human, after all. -- I think the reason we no longer have classes is because we are all now members of the same class: the aspiring class. No matter how much you have, you aspire to have more, bigger, and/or better. In today’s helter-skelter economy, even those born on the lowest rungs of the socio-economic ladder may rightly aspire to the luxury car, the mac-mansion, and a Rolex watch. It does happen, after all. But, what is more likely is that as one inches up the economic food chain their hunger becomes greater, and then insatiable. -- I know a woman who says her hobby is shopping. Acquiring things makes her happy. So, one day I asked about the possessing the things, didn’t that bring happiness too? “No,” she said. “I just like acquiring.” This didn’t seem like any big deal to her. Obviously, I was stunned. Have we come to this? It’s as if our things are what give us value instead of the other way around. The very thing to which we have aspired has enslaved us. -- Makes me glad I’m poor.

2005-09-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about how utterly pointless everything is. People here were lining up at grocery stores to buy their little dab of batteries and bottled water. Most likely we won’t even get much rain here. But, that didn’t impede the panic. And for what? So we can survive? So we can keep living? And if so, to what ends? I just don’t get it.

2005-09-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about two seemingly unrelated conversations that I think actually bear remarkably on one another. Both these things happened Sunday:

1. Over lunch I told my friend about this children‘s prayer I‘d seen and paraphrasing it to her I said something like, “Oh Dear Lord… whatever, whatever…” Her only comment to me about this really darling prayer was that she didn’t like the designation “Lord.” Her partner does not like it either. Apparently many feminists do not like this designation for God. Shekina, Elohim, Adonai, even Yahwa are fine. But, Lord implies that God is more powerful than us, that we are subject to God, and might even be led to humbly bow down before God. Heavens to Betsy, we can’t have that! We must keep God manageable lest God should get out of control.

2. During Religious School my classmates were going on and on (and I do mean ad nauseum…) about the seemingly contradictory attributes of God. My classmates, fairly bright people, found this baffling. So, ever helpful, I suggested to them that we would do better to speak of that which God is not instead of trying to grapple with what God is. They ignored me. Then, after I’d had about all that decorum mandated me to tolerate, I said, “Don’t you think that anytime we anthropomorphize God we have missed the nature of God entirely?” And to this query I did get an answer. A very bright woman, Arabic scholar, university teacher, annoying but bright, she said to me, “No.” No? In other words, she feels quite able to talk about God. I was astounded. Really, just astounded.

So, today I was thinking about those two things. To my thinking, the notion that we can grasp even a part of God is just self aggrandizing. The God I know is so totally other that I am not comfortable slapping labels on God, saying which of God’s names are acceptable to me, evaluating the merits of God’s ways. Who am I to assess God’s ways as merciful or cruel? What could I possible know about it? How dare I?

And yet, it seems that many do. I am not sure what to make of that. Guess I’ll hang around and keep listening.

2005-09-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

Today I mainly talked. Coincidentally, I don't think I did much thinking. Though I found myself very interesting conversationally.

2005-09-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about Maria Callas a lot. She died on this day in 1977. I was only 14 years old. Listened to the Hamburg ‘59 in the car. I even got the bright idea to have a Maria Callas party. It could be a costume thing where we all dress as characters from Turandot, wonderful costumes in that, or Tosca, or Aida or gosh, I don’t know, a bunch of others. She was in everything. Someone could even dress up as Ari Onassis. It would be great! Then my friend brought me back down to Earth with “Who is Maria Callas?” -- I know that no one is an island but sometimes I feel like one.

2005-09-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about how the title for today: "The Apodosis of the Nativity of Our Most Holy Lady the Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary" is such in length and grandeur that it rather belies the sweetness of it. For me, because I am not much of a Christian, I guess, it's not so much about giving back as it is about remembering the feast just past. A way to keep living in to the feast, the meaning of it, even though the day has past. Thought about that.

The Allure of Being Wanted

2005-09-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today I have been thinking about the allure of being wanted. And, I am using the word allure deliberately because I want to put you in mind of a (fishing) lure which has to get the attention of a fish. Said fish is no doubt on some icthian errand or another, going about the pond or ocean or whatever. The lure has to get the fish’s attention and get the fish to turn aside from what it is doing and do something else, vis, swallow the lure. -- Back to the allure of being wanted.

Several months ago I decided not to tutor Hebrew next year, not to take the religious school offering for adults; but, instead, find for myself some Christian church that would have me. But later I got an email from my rabbi, then I talked to a friend from synagogue, and a few days after that I send an email back to my rabbi saying that I can’t wait to tutor again and that I am excited about the adult class.

Why the change, the total 360? It was the lure. They want me. Why force my way into some Christian church that doesn’t want me when I can just go where I AM wanted. It’s a lot easier. It’s alluring.

When I used to try to get people to volunteer for my Tiger Teams, which is not all that alluring work, I would take some off by themselves and say, “I really want you on my Tiger Team.” It was the allure of being wanted, I just didn’t figure it out until I was on the other side of the lure.

I can hardly resist the lure of being wanted. Other lures mean nothing to me. I can resist all manner of lures. But, the lure of being wanted… Reel me in…

2005-09-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

Today I have been thinking about why I can not think about anything for more than a nanosecond. I am completely scattered. I want new meds now. Oh, and new health insurance would be ok too.

2005-09-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about the Martyrs of New Guinea a lot. If it had been me... I don't know. Personally, I am not all that much on New Guinea. Never been there. Don't know anyone from there. I just don't have a connection to it. But, what if it were Austin? I'd leave these rednecks to suffer and die alone and I'd do all I could to save myself. Truly. In other places, times my answer would have been different. I've stayed. Been with people in hard places; bad marriages and worse divorces, through loss of houses and even children, in death a lot. I've stayed with communities in hard times, financial mainly. The betrayal of a leader. I'm a stayer. But my connection to Austin and the people here is no more than my connection to New Guinea.

2005-09-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Today I am thinking about the martyrs of New Guinea, how they stayed with their new friends despite the near guarantee of death.

And, I also thought about those who stayed to give aid during the hurricane last week.

Just thinking about that.

That Hurricane

2005-08-31T15:23:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about the people in New Orleans and surrounding. Can't stop thinking about them, praying for them, wondering if our inept government can care long enough to offer any significant aid.

I can't really even imagine... If it were me... I don't know. There are only two things, besides myself, that I would have to save: My dog and my icon. Not in that order. But, as I look around I see that the story of my life is told in the things around me. The art I choose, the little things on my desk, all the stuff.

When I lived in Laguna Beach there was a big fire once. I wasn't able to get home and anything I heard on the news made it sound like I very probably didn't have a home to go home to anyway. And, the fire did get very close. Thank God it did not burn my place. Why? I don't know. I know people who lost everything. Why did I escape unscathed?

The night of the fire, though, I drove up to Long Beach to get a little sleep at a friend's house and -- and I remember this like it was yesterday -- as I was falling asleep I thought "What am I apart from my stuff?" That was pretty much the end of my personal age of affulence and consumption. I was secretely relieved, later that summer, when I lost a pair of expensive sunglasses. They had been a visible symbol -- I wore them on my face, after all -- of my success. They told people who I was. Successful. That was me. Identy = your stuff.

Sure, your stuff reflects who you are, where you've been, and your tastes, etc. But, it is not who you are. This was difficult enough for me to grapple with in physical safety and surrounded by friends. Plus, the little hope that you never quite let go of. But, for these people in the South... and it's not just New Orleans, neighborhoods and towns all along the coast are destroyed... I don't know how you deal with loosing the things that reflect and, for some, define who you are.

I just think the psychic fall out from this is going to be enormous. People, and insurance companies, can build new houses and churches and businesses. But, what about those identities, what about the lives reflected by all that lost stuff? That I don't know either.

Give some money to ERD. Give as much as you can.

Problems

2005-08-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about my problems. I have a couple of decisions to make in the next week or so. Nothing major.

Then I thought about the problems of my friends who don't have a home at all. They have no job, no business. Somehow they manage a little hope, though I don't know how.

It makes me wonder why I refer to my situations as problems at all.

2005-08-26T02:12:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about how quickly our stock can fall. Last week Peter was the rock upon whom the church would be built, keys to the kingdom, and all that. This week he is Satan. To be kicked out of church before it even started... That's worse.

Why, why, why...

2005-08-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today I mainly thought about why I don't seem to have time to wash my car, vaccum the stairs, do my filing, or a host of other unplesant tasks. -- Honestly, whoever invented stairs probably wouldn't have if he'd only realized that they would have to be vaccumed. -- And yet I had time to watch a burnt orange colored wasp flit from grass to leaf and back again just because it was beautiful. So, maybe the car could go another day.

iTunes

2005-08-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about how iTunes for Windows really sucks. I thought about this a lot.

The pericope - Proper 16

2005-08-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about why all the commentary for this weeks pericope focus on the "Who do you say I am..." part to the exclusion to the "keys to the kingdom..." bit and that part about "binding and loosing." Could it be that those who profess to hold the keys have done more locking out than inviting in lately? I guess it's getting to the point that they've thrown away so many parishioners that now the church is just a bunch of irrelevant aging priests hoping that they conned the faithful out of enough to sustain their substantial pensions.

Messianic Judaism

2005-08-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about Messianic Judaism. I think it's weird.

Anger and sin

2005-08-18T08:06:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about anger. If anger is not a sin, then why do I feel so badly about it?

How clever I am

2005-08-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

I have a great idea for a birthday present for a friend and all day long I have been thinking about how very clever I am for thinking of it!

My Brother/My Enemy

2005-08-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza. It's so bad.-- I mean, politically, I don't know -- Just bad for the people, families, pioneers. They bravely settled in a strange new land and made it their own. Now, the same government that urged their pioneering spirit has ordered them to leave behind the homes and lives they've built. Yet, in some (Palestinian) quarters there is rejoicing over this. It's awful. Just awful, what's going on there. I don't think Sari's laughing now.

FORGIVING AND LOVING

2005-08-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

Today I thought about how if you forgive much, you also love much. There's a relationship between forgiving and loving. And so there must also be a relationship between not forgiving and not loving. And forgiveness is so hard. I mean, life is hard. But, why must this one bit of it be so dreadfully impossible?

I also wonder to what extent being angry means you haven't forgiven.